It’s all all right.

Please hold me,

even the pain I hide, 

so that painful tears and sad loneliness wouldn’t come to me again.

The person that was hidden behind all the tears,

The one and only person I have waited for such a long time…

Maybe it’s you.

When I’m with you, I smile, even though I’m hurt.

The person that healed my deep wounds and the tears that were like my habit.

I will show you, 

I will give you all the love that I kept.

So that words of loneliness and separation wouldn’t exist between us

So that only love would remain

 

 

I guess its all allright…

I’ve got nothing left, inside of my chest…

But its all allright.

”I admire you, because you picked yourself up when you could’ve just layed on the floor. You’re warm, optimistic and strong. So strong.”

Was it all worth it?

Dear Alien 2.0.,

This ship is wrecked. We have sunken, slowly and deeply.

And sadly you sunk the lowest when you pushed me harshly off that edge.

There is no bridge to bring us back to the place where we once were. I took a shot, I took a fall for you, you told me that you needed me, but then you went and cut me down.

You just wanted something else in life. You wanted to win, never satisfied with what you’ve had – until you lost it. Never really knew how to cherish. But what do we say when it’s all over? What do we do know when nothing is going right, when the trouble is in the mind? What do I do when I get lost inside my soul? Where do I go when love is gone? Why don’t you say nothing at all?

Haven’t we both hurt enough already.

Stop and stare. Once allies, now two strangers. You too, have alienated yourself. You, have become another version of that person we both once feared. I wish it was so simple, that you were just a stranger I could disengage.

This, once so hopeful, person has let the hope flow away, together with that once so tight and strong ship.

Sometimes, sadness is better.

There is a difference between sadness and depression.

You see, sadness is a moment, a moment filled with sad and depressing thoughts. But, during that moment you feel.

Depression is something else, depression can be so much longer than ”a moment”, and the worst thing is probably that you don’t feel a damn thing. It’s a dangerous place to be, to be in a place where it’s hard to care anymore. It’s hard to get out that deep, deep place.

”Depressive people tend to act more calmly than others under heavy pressure, because they already expect bad things to happen.” No shit, sherlock.

Becoming an adult, having been pushed and pulled –  and seeing things around me even more clear has pulled me into a, what some call, midlifecrisis. Stupid study choices, money, love and the reality of life. Yes, I sometimes feel like I’m 30-ish, because I can see that

- it’s hard to make important choices that will affect my future,

- studying costs a shit load of money, and it’s even harder without the right people.

- it’s hard to find true love. Where are all the gentlemen?! My standards are not high, there are just not a lot of proper guys out there anymore.

And despite all of this, all I want is happiness and a lil’ bit of love.

Why the hell do I have to think about this at this age?

The more I hurt, the more mature I become.

It’s funny how hello always ends with good bye,
it’s funny how remembering good memories can make you cry,
it’s funny how forever never seems to really last.
It’s funny how friends can just leave you when your down,
it’s funny how when you need someone they’re never around.
It’s funny how crazy and ironic life turns out to be,
but the funniest part of all is that none of that seems funny to me.

Society’s standards are fucked.

If you’re reserved and quiet, you’re emo.

If you’re open and expressive, you’re attention hungry.

If you’re homosexual, you’re unnatural.

If you’re a virgin by 16, you’re doing something wrong.

If you lose it by 16, you’re a whore.

If you’re scared, you’re a coward.

If you don’t compliment yourself, you’re begging for compliments.

If you do compliment yourself, you’re full of yourself.

If you’re unique, you’re weird.

If you’re “normal,” you’re boring.

It’s hard to find yourself in a world so centered around perfection, when in reality imperfection is what defines us.

Sometimes, when that once so far future, is nearby, I like to return the past.

Adulthood is nearing. Excuse me while I feel a bit lost and found. A bit lost and insecure.

 “The hardest thing about adolescence is that everything seems too big. There’s no way to get context or perspective, ….. Pain and joy without limits. No one can live like that forever, so experience finally comes to our rescue. We come to know what we can endure, and also that nothing endures.”   ― Sara Paretsky, Bleeding Kansas

So sometimes, when that once so far future, is coming closer, I like to return to the past. The past where I can’t decide about anymore. The past that doesn’t give you so much options, choices and responsibilities. Because it can’t be changed anymore, unlike the future.

A Disney classic movie = A movie that makes me gives me THAT feeling. The familiar lovely warm wonderful feeling. They don’t make movies like these anymore these days.

The Little Mermaid / La Petite Sirene / De Kleine Zeemeermin ; one of my favorite movies growing up

Sometimes, people really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone else. They feel like life is caving in on them, they want to just go somewhere else and not feel anything bad at all. And I don’t think there us anything wrong with that. And if you don’t know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

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No matter how heavy the door is, I’ll keep it open

The stories in the deep silences

Please hold me,

even the pain I hide

So that painful tears and sad loneliness

wouldn’t come to me again.

The person that was hidden behind all the tears,

The one and only person I have waited

for such a long time…

Maybe it’s you,

when I’m with you

I’m smile even though I’m hurt.

The person that healed my deep wounds and the tears

that were like my habit

I will show you,

I will give you all the love that I kept

So that words of loneliness and separation

wouldn’t exist between us

So that only love would remain

Un peu de l’un, un peu de deux. Mes petits tresors.